


Fly the ocean in a silver plane

by hazelandglasz



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Reaction, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-10 01:56:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3272498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazelandglasz/pseuds/hazelandglasz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reaction fic to 6x05<br/>Blaine’s POV<br/>Warning: depression, suicidal thoughts - Blangst in general, but not without a sort of bittersweet ending</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fly the ocean in a silver plane

Blaine barely hears the New (New) New Directions singing their nice cover of “Air Supply”.

He can barely hear his Warblers’ words of concern for his well-being—though there is a part of his mind that registers and appreciates it.

His eyes find Kurt’s and even if his lips stretch into a small smile, he isn’t letting himself go for it entirely.

But it’s only once he gets back home—to their home—that he lets it all out.

Dave isn’t here, accompanying his mother to see his grandmother in God-knows-where, Virginia, and Blaine applies his therapist’s lessons very thoroughly.

Let it all out.

Maybe she had not envisioned him crumbled in his shower, letting the water wash away the tears that are falling silently down his cheeks, but at least he’s not keeping it all in, and that’s progress isn’t it.

_I’m a cheater._

Blaine is not even thinking about the kiss—well he tries not to, it would be the ultimate betrayal—because that, he can blame on Sue.

The fact that they kissed, that Kurt kissed him and that he kissed back, in the elevator, during the Invitational, that is on Sue.

But it’s not why he hates himself right now.

Had it been different, had they been allowed to take it to their own pace, Blaine knows that he would have ended up with his fingers gently curled around Kurt’s neck and with his lips learning how to fit against Kurt’s mouth all over again.

With or without having broken things up with Dave.

And that’s what eating him and bringing more tears to the water going down the drain.

Why does Kurt have such a hold on him, for fuck’s sake?

He tried, Blaine really did, to put it behind him and to really embrace that new, mature friendship they’re keeping between them since Kurt came back to Ohio.

_I can’t help it can I? I don’t know how to remain faithful._

_I’m a dirty liar._

_Nobody should love me._

The thoughts go round and round in his head as he sits in the shower, legs folded against his chest.

_I should stay alone._

_That’s all I deserve._

_Why bother?_

The moment that particular thought pops in his head is like an electric shock, and Blaine scrambles back to his feet and out of the shower.

He’s not going down that road again. He’s stronger now, more attuned to his feelings and to that mindset.

“Hello, may I speak to Dr. Boven please? This is Blaine Anderson, I might need a… an emergency consult.”

Just because he’s stronger doesn’t mean that he can’t ask for help.

—-

“I cheated on Dave.”

The moment the words are out of his mouth, Blaine chokes on a sob.

Dr. Boven pushes a box of tissue towards him, her face neutral and non judgmental as always.

“Do you want to give me the details?”

The question is opened, giving him the choice—as she tends to do.

He could skim over the details and focus on himself and why he feels that way.

Or he can delve into the sordid corners of his mind—and the dark pit that is Sue Sylvester’s schemes—and the very parts of himself that make him unworthy of anyone’s love.

Old Blaine would have taken option one.

New Blaine, the one who aims to reclaim who he is, goes for option two.

Because as dark and dirty and disgusting as he might be, he doesn’t want to hide from himself.

So Blaine tells her the whole thing, the elevator, the games—the nice ones and the bad One—, how he couldn’t help but find it nice to be with Kurt without drama, how some parts of him didn’t want the elevator’s doors to open so he could keep on kissing Kurt, how he knows that even if they had not kissed, he would still feel like he had cheated on Dave.

All through it, his therapist doesn’t say a word, even if he sees her frowning and tightening her jaw as he talks about the puppet and Sue’s own brand of crazy, and she only starts talking when he takes a deep breath and remains silent.

“First of all, Blaine, I think you and Kurt ought to bring this woman to justice. This is more than just kidnapping, this is taking away your consent and forcing you to use your bodies to get out of a situation she created for her own enjoyment.”

Blaine nods—but it’s not the first time that someone hurt him or them and will not face a proper punishment.

“Second of all, I am very proud of you for coming to see me today, and for facing your own …”

“Flaws?” Blaine supplies and for a split second, it’s not Dr. Boven who’s facing him but Evelyn, glaring at him.

“You know that I don’t believe that.”

And the doctor is back.

“Mistakes is the word I was going for,” she adds, pushing her glasses back up her nose.

Blaine smiles—it’s small and unsure, but it’s still a smile—waiting for her to keep going.

“I think you need to talk with Dave about the depth of your feelings, both for him and for Kurt.”

With a sigh, Blaine lets the comfortable chair swallow him a little, providing a cocoon, as temporary as it might be.

“I know.”

“Without putting all of the blame on Principal Sylvester.”

“I know.”

“Do you though?”

Blaine looks up, only to find her observing him over her glasses.

“I do,” he says, pushing the words out, “I know that in the past I have blamed my mistakes on other people, but I don’t do that anymore. Sue may be a sociopath and may have forced us to kiss, but it was here all along.”

She nods, scribbling things on her notepad—Blaine is half convinced that she’s preparing her grocery shopping list—and he straightens his shoulders.

“I have to break up with him.”

“Why?”

“Why?” he repeats, opening wide eyes.

“If he forgives you your misdemeanour, why would you have to break with him?”

Blaine takes it in, stunned for a moment. Let’s say that he confesses everything to Dave; let’s say that Dave forgives him for kissing Kurt; let’s say …

“Because it wouldn’t be fair to him,” he whispers, and he feels like an epiphany.

Blaine knows that he started dating Dave for the comfort he provided, for the easy happiness it gave him to have someone enjoying his company and his idiosyncrasies and him, plain and simple.

But without calling it love, Blaine has obviously grown to care about Dave Karofsky—and boy, would his past self would have a field day if someone had told him that this would happen—and he wants him to be happy.

To be loved by someone he loves.

Not to settle.

“He shouldn’t have to settle for used goods,” he adds, voice barely above a whisper this time, and Dr. Boven reaches to pat his knee.

“You are not used goods, Blaine,” she says firmly.

“My heart is,” Blaine replies with a “what can you do” shrug. “It still belongs to Kurt, no matter how hard I try to move on.”

Dr. Boven shakes her head, taking off her glasses. “Your heart belongs to yourself,” she insists. “Kurt … he has taken residence in it, that’s for certain. But he doesn’t own you. Nor does anybody, for that matter.”

The turn of phrase awakes something warm in him.

“My heart belongs to myself.”

He repeats the words to himself before looking at the therapist. “Thank you doctor.”

She gives him one of her rare smiles. “You’re very welcome, Blaine. Don’t forget your scheduled appointment on Wednesday.”

“I won’t.”

She stands to open the padded door and as he walks next to her, she bows her head, dark blue eyes sparkling. “Good luck, Mr. Anderson”.

“I’m going to need it.”

“I know you won’t,” she whispers with another smile.

As he drives away, Blaine wonders how long it will take him to have as much faith in himself as she seems to do.

But he knows, deep down, that he’ll get there someday.


End file.
